As I mature, I realize more and more that our perception creates our reality. This perception is also frequently the cause behind disagreements with others, and illness in our body. Two people experiencing the same event from different perspectives, will have completely different memories of what occurred, yet while different, both contain a truth of the actual reality.

Hurt or heal - it's all about perception

A sad moment from my childhood stuck in my brain for more than 20 years, causing me emotional pain whenever I thought about it. I was 11 at the time. My father had been in a horrid motorcycle accident and was in the hospital in a coma. They didn’t know if he would ever wake, or what his life would be like when he did - or even if he would live. He was in critical condition. It was Christmas time - the saddest Christmas of my life. It would be weeks before daddy would begin to awaken. When he did awaken, it was obvious that he had brain damage. The VA hospital he was in didn’t allow anyone under the age of 12 in the ICU ward to visit patients, so I was too young to see my daddy when he finally did wake. My mother could see my pain, and felt I needed to visit my daddy - so she took me to the hospital. They had a list of family - and knew there were 6 children, and knew their ages - so momma introduced me as Carol - my sister that was a year older than me. This part wasn’t important to me - who people thought I was - it didn’t matter at the time - only seeing daddy mattered. We went in, and as the nurse was there, mother introduced me to daddy as Carol. You see, daddy didn’t know anyone - he couldn’t remember anything - not even such simple things as how to eat. All those thing, they were also not real important to me at the time - what was important was seeing my daddy. I loved him dearly, and had to see him and know that he really was alive, and that he really was waking. Daddy looked at me, and he said....”Hi Carol”..... That was important to me. That was the one moment from all those long weeks that I remembered strong, the moment that seared itself into my mind, into my memory. Daddy didn’t know ‘Gail’ - only Carol..... I felt such pain, wondering why daddy could remember Carol and not me? I’d always tried to be good. I couldn’t remember doing anything bad ever really. Was that why? Carol was feisty, and always being snotty - or at least that’s how my mind translated it - she was sometimes mean in my mind, but daddy remembered her - I was quiet, shy, good... daddy didn’t know me........... and a perception of a moment was created, and that perception would haunt me for years.

It wouldn’t be till I was 39 that I would finally realize that my own memory was faulty, that my own remembered reality was not what really happened. I was talking to mom one day, and that time of the accident came up. I remembered all the preachers that visited - they were helping daddy to regain his pastoral knowledge while we worked as a family to help daddy relearn simple things like using silverware instead of his hands to eat - wiping his chin if food was spilled on it - things a preteen usually doesn’t usually have to teach her daddy. I commented to mom about how much it hurt over the years remembering that daddy knew Carol, but not me........ mom looked at me and shook her head and told me... “Your father didn’t know ANYONE then, not even me! He only called you Carol because that was the name he heard, because Gail was too young to visit her father.” I thought for a moment, and I realized she was right. I’d held all that pain inside for so many years - and there was no real reason for it to even exist - it was my perception of that moment in time. What was most important to me was what stood out as my reality from that moment, my memory, my pain.

Since that realization, I’ve pondered over other things in my life that left unsettled emotional scars, and I realized that if I open up those scars and honestly and fully review the memories - that it’s the perception that causes the pain more than the reality itself. I imagine all this stuff is something they teach to people that are going to be councilors or psychiatrists or psychologist and such - but I’m just a general run of the mill person - no one ever brought up the fact that we often create our own pain. But the important thing here is to realize, that what we can create, we can change. So if you have some particular moment in your life that causes you emotional turmoil to think on it, perhaps you need to actually think on it and try to remember as many small details as you can. They’re all there still, they were just shrunk in the memory because you didn’t deem them as important at the time. But if you can bring up all the details, whether they seem large or small to you - and really think about the situation, you may help to find healing for yourself. Perhaps the pain will still be there, but in honestly reviewing the situation you will be able to deal with it better and prevent it from causing you more pain.

I have other situations from my life that also caused me emotional distress - and in reviewing them, I realized that some of my memories were valid, and the reasons for the pain were valid, but I decided that I didn’t want to hurt from that any more, just to learn from it to prevent similar harm again - so I decided to accept the event as ‘history’ from my life, a memory I could safely remember, but one that wouldn’t cause me pain to remember. Why allow an event to continue to cause you emotional distress if it is not something that is currently occurring or physically affecting you?

There is still much in my life that is a mystery to me. I can only remember a very small handful of glimpses of my life from before the age of 12. In my mind, it’s like my life began then - there is nothing much before that at all. Somewhere deep in my mind I’ve locked things up to be safe from harm. But with this new understanding of perception, and the ability to choose what can and cannot hurt me - I spend a bit of time when I can just pondering my past. I know deep down, that to be the best healer for others that I can be, I must first heal myself - and that includes unlocking all the hidden memories in my mind and dealing with them.

I’ve come a long way since then. To be honest with you - when I began reviewing my mind, and searching for answers - I was a mess. My immune system was all but non-existent. I was so easily affected by everything around me, that I had to wear a mask to go out into public, and I had to take medicine to be in public - and I had to go to an allergist and get shots 3 times a week. It all came to a head when I was pregnant with my last child. I’d left my husband, and was alone, pregnant, with 4 children at home....... and I was very ill..... went to a doctor appointment, sat in the room with the paper gowns for what seemed an eternity - then finally the doctor came in and asked ... “And, how are we doing today?”.... well, this ‘we’ started crying uncontrollably - and continued to cry for hours. They put me in a back room, and had a special councilor come in from an hour away. She was the beginning of my healing. She taught me to look within to find peace, and helped me realize that I created much of my own illness because I was so distraught and depressed that I couldn’t hardly bear to live. She helped me realize that if I created my own illness, I could create health. I had basically come to the point of not seeing a future, and deep inside me I was just shutting myself down, one system at a time. This realization helped me begin to heal.

So I looked at one memory at a time - reviewed what I could remember - learned to meditate and find peace within - and began a new life. Doctors didn’t heal me - I wasn’t really physically ill - I was mentally depressed to the point of causing my own illness from within. And that is where healing came from.

Now, years later - I’m not perfect, but lots better. I have peace in my life, and I strive to help others find this peace also. If you haven’t figured it out yet - I’m what’s referred to as a “Wounded Healer” - from my pain I heal, from my pain I learn, from my pain I help others.

If you don’t get anything else from this article - know that you create your own reality. Yes, there are physical illness and disease processes that we can’t necessarily stop by looking within - but there are many that we can. Much of illness and disease begins in your soul - your soul becomes wounded, it affects your energy field, a block builds - and an illness begins. If you could only find that internal energy wound before it manifest in your physical body, you could heal so quickly - and even if it has manifest in your body - if you can identify the cause - you can begin the path of healing. Do know that it can be frightening to dig deep into yourself, but if you are honest with yourself, it can in time be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Create your own reality - choose how you want to live your life - decide what you want to achieve, how you want to live, review your life and decide what is right and what is wrong.... and then begin a path to achieve realistic goals. And when you have emotional pain, always remember to consider your perception, and give an honest evaluation as to why you feel the pain - in doing so, you will be better able to deal with it and store the memory property.